One Clever Ape

Okay, so we were late

2007-05-26T21:31:00.001Z

But fuck right off!

A big dirty Jew beast going to eat the planet

2007-05-26T21:16:00.000Z

Hitler was right!!!

We're back!

2007-03-31T20:21:00.000Z

It's anti-jew week next week at One Clever Ape, stay tuned!

What is love?

2007-01-28T20:23:00.000Z

This is

Variant CJD Eh?

2006-12-08T09:24:00.000Z

Lol, oops! - http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/health/6217296.stm

50TH POST

2006-12-06T10:41:00.000Z

Well, this is my 50th post, hooray, happy birthday to us, happy birthday to us etc.

I haven't really been writing in this at all recently, due to my hands and forearms being totally fucked. No-one even comes here anyway, to be honest. I'm basically just talking to myself.

I'm going to be quitting this shit-hole job after New Year for something even worse but doesn't involve typing.

Eventually I'm to be a private hire cabbie making very decent money, but that's a ways away yet.

I've been listening almost constantly to this : http://www.lardpony.co.uk/mp3/VomVorton_-_UnstoppableProgram.mp3

To quote a friend : Electronic Pastoral Bliss.

That's it for now.

FNSH

2006-11-30T09:04:00.000Z

So, it's basically Winter now and there's a whole host of shit in my head, but my fingers and wrists ache too much to type.

Someone take over for me, eh?

Wake up, Mr Freeman, wake up and smell..

2006-11-24T11:52:00.000Z

The Ashes!

Yes, that's right, I'm a day or so late, but the Ashes have begun.

I've only a few things to say about this.

1 - England are gonnae get bummed in the ear

2 - I hope England get thrown into the bukkake pit

3 - Seriously though, hahaha, England are going to fucking lose.

lolololllerrelolosporowndfkdsnjaiofarilwgivbailvbgfgierb!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Video Gaiden

2006-11-21T14:50:00.000Z

Videogames coverage in the media has never been so good.

Two Glaswegians (the best people on Earth and if ye don't agree I'll fuckin' batter ye) reviewing games and going into a little bit of detail concerning the industry as a whole.

They know what they're talking about, they're insanely funny and there's more chemistry between them than in "Jekyll and Hyde - The Science Behind It".

You can only watch it as it happens if you live up here in Scotland, but the rest of you ingrates can check out the videocasts if you click that wee picture up the top there.

Pure dead magic man.

Oh Noes!

2006-11-16T10:30:00.000Z

He are gone Rampant!
He are become a Penis Bot!
Run!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Edward Pumpkin

2006-11-15T16:14:00.000Z

He is a Robot, he is our saviour.

The differences between men and women : #1

2006-11-08T09:45:00.000Z

Don't even pretend to argue.

The colour of your sins

2006-11-07T13:51:00.000Z

That's what sins taste like.

The World's all gone to shit

2006-11-07T12:32:00.000Z

So, right, okay.

Here's the thing, okay, right, so...I've been flirting with this girl for a while now, I have her number, she wants me to take her out and she begs me to call her, I'm an ugly bastard, so this doesn't happen very often for me, so I'm Feeling Good and that, skippety doo-dah and blah blah, hooray for me.

She e-mails me today, loling, sweet, unrestrictive, honest, open, and, in a matter-of-fact way, informs me that she got a good fucking over the weekend and is no longer a virgin and it wasn't even someone she knew, just some fucking idiot in a club she happened to be in at the time.

I have no idea what to make of this.

Seriously, what the fuck?

The Whole World has went to Shit, I'm going to fucking tear it apart someday, just wait and see, watch your TV screens, listen to your radios, a few more years and it'll all come down around your fucking ears.

Earth can go fuck itself, and so can you.

PS - Gears of War soon, small console-ation lolz!

Gears of War

2006-11-03T15:10:00.000Z

Gears of War's gonna be fucking awesome, this is just a teaser.

Wizardes

2006-11-02T15:22:00.000Z

This one was inspired by the music of Luke Elliott over at Goaste.

Give it a listen, it's brilliant.

Shitting Crikey

2006-11-01T14:27:00.000Z

This one makes me want to do a rape inside her.

I mean, seriously, fucking hell and that.

Lol y u stab me?

2006-11-01T14:24:00.000Z

Lol y u stab me indeed.

PS - Does anyone know what the fuck that means?

Help!!

2006-10-30T14:44:00.000Z

This one is self exploratory, lolf!

A guy jobbying uncontrollably

2006-10-27T12:55:00.000Z

Ape Escape

2006-10-24T14:27:00.000Z

Fucking hell, I'm back, and I'll post more when I have the time.

THAT WAS AMAZING.

Oops!

2006-10-17T21:11:00.000Z

This girl thought she was auditioning for TV, but she was ACTUALLY auditioning for HUMILIATION!*

*Disclaimer - She knew full well what she was getting into.

Hey Brad!

2006-10-17T21:07:00.000Z

Brad, meet Tod, Tod, meet Brad!

A very pretty girl

2006-10-16T21:37:00.000Z

You can literally almost pretty much see down this girl's top, it's okay to be aroused by this point.

THIS picture, however, is totally okay to shoot your load over. SHE HAS LOTS OF HER CLOTHES OFF!!!

One Clever Ape, bringing you almost-tits and poorly drawn "comedy" cartoons.

Shut it and burn!

2006-10-16T21:30:00.000Z

Jings

2006-10-11T22:32:00.000Z

The quality on that last shut it turned out pretty bad.

Um.

Have a picture of a hott hott girl to make up for it.

I don't know what it is about her, maybe her eyes or amazing chest and tight sweater.

Fucking hell folks, I'm off for a lie down.

Another shut it

2006-10-11T22:29:00.000Z

Smut Ban

2006-10-10T20:03:00.000Z

Well, over at my usual haunt there has been a bit of a backlash against blatant misogyny, which, to be honest, is bloody ridiculous!

So, anyway, this is MY domain and I'll sleaze it up as much as I like, so without further ado...

I had a wank over these girls recently, I pretended my cock was where their mouths are MEATing!!

Fingering a cold, stiff, female body while your mate pulls her pants off?

WHERE WAS MY FUCKING INVITE??

I don't think I need to comment on this one, you get the picture.*

*Just in case you don't, imagine that the glass is an engorged penis and the cream is a fountaining column of purest spunk

I'm starting the shut its back up.

2006-10-10T19:57:00.000Z

There will be a new one at least every two days, I hope you enjoy!

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

2006-10-08T12:31:00.000Z

Shameless plug for a better blog than mine

2006-10-06T21:51:00.000Z

That's right, there are better blogs out there than this one, some of them even have forums to accomodate their multiple users!

The Triforce Of Trouble.

This is them, with some other guy in the back. Maybe Robert Howells.

I'm fully aware that my endorsement may very will kill their blog stone-dead.

Sorry lads!

I'm really DIGGING this tale!

2006-10-05T14:42:00.000Z

http://abcnews.go.com/US/wireStory?id=2452262

I'm going to Wisconsin, I've heard the girls there are to die for!

LANCASTER, Wis. Sep 16, 2006 (AP)— A judge on Friday dismissed
charges of attempted sexual assault against three men accused of trying to dig
up a woman's body to have sex with the corpse, noting that Wisconsin has no law
against necrophilia.
The men still face lesser charges.
Twins Nicholas
and Alexander Grunke, 20, and Dustin Radke, 20, were arrested after an alleged
attempt to dig up the body of a 20-year-old woman who was killed Aug. 27 in a
motorcycle crash. Officials said a caller reported suspicious activity in the
cemetery Sept. 2, and deputies found someone had dug down to her vault.
Authorities said the three were not acquainted with the woman but had seen
an obituary with her photo.
Circuit Judge George Curry said that while there
was no law that addressed necrophilia, there was enough evidence to continue the
case because of criminal damage to property and the alleged attempt to break
into a burial vault.
Copyright 2006 The Associated Press. All rights
reserved. This material may not be published, broadcast, rewritten, or
redistributed.

Camera

2006-10-04T07:51:00.000Z

I'll be getting a digicam at the weekend (finally!) so I should be able to start doing interesting things, maybe.

I may or may not keep all 8 of you updated, but don't hate me.

Micro my cock!

2006-09-29T08:59:00.000Z

I've been musing over this for a little while, pondering whether or not it's worthy of a blog.

So, without further ado, ahem...

WHEN YOU BUY INCREMENTAL THINGS FROM XBLA OR OTHER SUCH PLACES IT IS NOT A "MICRO" TRANSACTION, IT'S JUST A FUCKING TRANSACTION. YOU'RE BEING DUPED BY LANGUAGE INTO THINKING THAT IT'S INSIGNIFICANT.

Seriously folks, come on! You're paying for things that, as one UK:R commentor noted, would have been included in the full game a couple of years ago.

You're being raped through the nose and you're fucking lapping it up, your spunk-washed brain malfunctioning into believing that 800 points doesn't count as real world money.

Get a grip and stop getting shafted, seize the corporate cock with both hands and snap it over your knee.

Jesus Christ, people, we all complain about the state of the industry and yet we're all to scared to do something about it. Grow a pair of balls already.

Ham and Sauce!

2006-09-22T14:30:00.000Z

My dad, Xena, some hands and an almost-fanny.

2006-09-21T19:13:00.000Z

First off, be careful, a lot of my links are seriously not safe for work. Though you should have no worries, as you're not a skiving bastard, are you?

My dad, what a fucking nutter.

This was the after-party of Bukkake-fest Brighton 2003. That's not a love-heart they're doing with their hands, nor, sadly, is it a Triforce.

It's a makeshift glory-hole, and, take it from me, they regretted doing that after a few hours.

I know this girl from somewhere. Apparently it's Lucy Lawless (Xena, to all you channel Five prime-time marathon wankers) but there's no way she's still that hot.

I paid this girl's friend £100 quid to get the job done, I paid the photographer £150 to be there at the right moment and all I get is this shitty image and an eternity of wanking?

Utter bollocks.

Yass! Get it right up ye, ya cunts!

2006-09-16T14:51:00.000Z

We're top of Google's hits for "one clever ape"

HOWEVER! THIS IS WHY WE HATE THAT CUNT GERVAIS

Don't settle for this, burn his fucking website down, my friends, burn it and roast his fat, smug expression over the flames of what he'll never truly be.

One Clever Ape!

Girls I have totally baggsied.

2006-09-11T22:19:00.000Z

This girl has a bit of a horsey face, but she has pink hair and is pretending to be innocent, so she'd well get it.

This girl is hiding underneath her black and white hair, probably hiding from another cockslapping.

These girls are seriously proper dirty, I can only imagine that the licker is licking crystallized spunk from the one with the astonishing tits.

This one has a touch of class about her, as if to say "Not the cunt, unload it on my face."

Alizee is MY Lolita

Those lollies could easily be cocks. Those girls could easily be bukkake victims.

This one has a ridiculously amazing rack. Her eyes beg to be sealed shut with my seed.

And finally, this one is pretty ugly but you can tell she's dying for a good massaging her own nipples.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm off for a stonker of a wank

Kara-on singing.

2006-09-11T10:43:00.000Z

Does anyone know what the hell this means?

It's cute and scary at the same time.

Tingle probably already has this somewhere, but I plead ignorance!

Touching

2006-09-11T10:25:00.000Z

Now, I'm not a propaganda kinda guy, but I liked this picture.

Despite all the bullshit, there's still a little humanity out there.

Bloody Trains

2006-09-07T10:24:00.000Z

Literally.

Last Friday I was grumbling and complaining to Clipper at the train station, our usual tirade of how the trains are shite and why on Earth is this one late? It finally arrives and we board, complaining to each other about how there are no fucking seats and how life is hard because we have to stand up for ten minutes before the train is empty enough to sit down. I overhear the conductor explaining to someone about the lateness.

There's been a suicide by train further down the line.

I, to this day still, have no idea if it's a boy or girl, old or young, but I really start wondering about it. These things happen all the time, especially in Scotland, this is the third which I have heard about on this same trainline in the past couple of years, but this one really starts playing on my mind. I mean, what a way to go. No options left but to stand in front of the Oban Express and get battered half a mile up the track?

Jesus Christ.

That could just as easily have been me, my brother, you, your mum, your best mate that you've known since you were seven. How easy is it to break someone so hard that they feel the need to do something like that? I'm seriously upset about it.

For a while I was panicking that it actually was my brother, who works up near that neck of the woods. I started thinking things like "Oh my God, maybe I should have made him breakfast this morning. Maybe I shouldn't have called him a cunt last week." etc etc. This, obviously, was pretty daft and my brother was just fine.

But out there, maybe making dinner for him, some mum could very well have been panicking, telling herself that she was just being silly and that Tom would be back in time, just as usual, only for it to not quite happen that way.

I totally don't understand. Like, people get killed every day, they get blown up and shot and stabbed and fall out of windows and choke to death on their trousers and they have heart attacks at 14 and, while I care to a degree, I'm usually rather apathetic towards it all, whereas now I'm genuinely broken hearted.

This is all long and rambly pambly, I hope it makes sense. I'm totally devastated by it, even though it has nothing to do with me and worse things happen every day.

There's no clever ending here, it really doesn't deserve one, but does anyone have any thoughts on this? Has anyone felt anything similar on something maybe even completely unrelated?

A not particularly intelligent album review (boo, hiss!)

2006-08-29T09:58:00.000Z

Breaking Benjamin's "Phobia" as seen here - http://www.amazon.co.uk/Phobia/dp/B000GFRJ44/sr=8-1/qid=1156845227/ref=pd_ka_1/202-3232611-9807001?ie=UTF8&s=gateway

Bloody hell, that's a big 'un (ooer!)

After owning it for a couple of weeks I've decided to "bless" you all with my "opinion" for each individual track and then the album as a whole.

It's not going to be smart or funny, or even very factual.

1. Intro - Does the job, quite dark and haunting but not quite long enough. 6/10

2. Diary of Jane - Powerful verse, driving chorus, raw energy and fire, very very good. 9/10

3. Breath - Tragic but powerful, soaring at times, excellent bass line. 9/10

4. You - Pretty weak, stinks of filler, morose and rubbishy. 3/10

5. Evil Angel - The intro is Breaking Benjamin By Numbers, some predictable rhymes, but really picks up about 50 seconds or so into it and ends up not too bad. 6/10

6. Until the End - One of the rare "soft ones". Quite good, the change of pace is nice, decent chorus, un-necessary shouty bit though. 7/10

7. Dance with the Devil - Dark and distant, rather bleak sounding despite it being a love song. 7/10

8. Topless - Bad. The last 40 seconds save this from getting a 2. 3/10

9. Here We Are - Very weak verses, decent chorus. Meh. 5/10

10. Unknown Soldier - More filler, basically. Sounds too amateurish. 4/10

11. Had Enough - Very good, something most of us can relate to. Sums up our chaotic thoughts pretty well. 8/10

12. You Fight Me - Haunting and hollow, tragic with a good chorus. Verses are a little 80's sounding, which isn't necessarily a bad thing at all. 7/10

13. Outro - Much, much better than the intro. The same basic premise but sliced and diced, injected with some fire. It sounds like the world is dying. 8/10

14. Diary of Jane [Acoustic] - Good song but this version is a little weedy, to be honest. 6/10

Er, some kind of conclusion is needed, I guess?

Well, it's a little hit and miss, but the good is very good with the bad just being blandy and only one truly awful song.

Um, 73 Mars bars out of a giraffe.

Real updates coming soon!

2006-08-15T21:39:00.000Z

Hi folks! Please ignore this, I'm only hosting it here because PUTFILE is a big pile of fucking shite.

P.D.A.

2006-08-01T08:18:00.000Z

Public Displays of Affection, to be precise.

I witnessed one of these on the train today.

I used to be of the belief that teenagers and young twenty-somethings could get away with it, and anything older was just plain wrong, but I've changed my mind now.

I think that everyone should feel free to publicly show affection, with a little moderation obviously, and that it can help relationships to blossom.

They say that a third of marriages fail, but, to be honest, they all lose their fire and passion. It's hard to keep it blazing when you've both been working all day then have to go shopping or look after the kids. I mean, when do you find time for that affection? Why not show each other that you're still in love when you're out and about.

So, couples, grope and kiss your way to a happy marriage.

(With your partner, obviously. Sometimes you people sicken me)

Parrots have the right idea.

I ran a marathon in my snickers (ooer)

2006-07-31T13:39:00.000Z

Hallo peeps!

No, I didn't run a marathon in my pants.

Today I'll be pondering rebranding.

I won't really, I don't have any kind of brand, but I was wondering something. Is it this blog's totally shitness which means I have so few readers, or is it the fact that it's not called sexcapades or something similar?

Do let me know!

I have a dream...

2006-07-30T00:18:00.000Z

Well, had, really.

I was a bigger, meaner, tougher Tony Blair, and I was in charge of a post apocalyptical UK, with the Labour party as my Mad Max style gang and the Tories as rivals.

I had a meeting with John Major, for some reason, and it ended in an incredible barney. This rumble included me smashing Michael Portillo and Iain Duncan Smith with a chair and a table, respectively. Gordon brown also threw someone through a wall, which was totally amazing.

If you've ever watched Prime Minister's Question on tv (lolf, I'm a big saddo) then you'll realise that this isn't actually very far from the truth. Although they don't actually assault each other, they wave their programmes around, shout through them and roll them up and throw them at each other (I made that last one up, and probably the second one as well).

It's totally brilliant.

On a forum I frequent (filled with the brightest stars in the galaxy, to quote one of them) we're having a bit of a debate about how to get people in this country more involved with politics. I think that in this case, as with everything, public displays of violence are the push we all need!

I want to see MPs doing this, and I want to see it every single day.

Precious little time

2006-07-14T08:58:00.000Z

Hello dear reader(s)!

My dad told me something a while back, and it's really starting to sink in now.

He said to me "Starke, there are millions of dead rich people out there, and they'd give every penny of it just to be alive for one more minute, time isn't money, money doesn't even come close"

My Grampa told him that, funnily enough.

The reason it's sinking in is because I realise I'm stuck in a shitty, dead-end temp job, my hands hurt like hell as my RSI threatens to start taking over my whole life, as opposed to just being the painful nuisance it is just now.

I'm gathering my safety money for a month or two then quitting this scum-hole, I mean, why should I while away my life making some other guy rich and happy and comfortable, while my hands throb and my social life dwindles?

My dad's now a taxi driver, and that's what I plan on doing. It may not be the most glamorous work, but it gives me the freedom to work when I please, I don't have to ruin my tendons and nerves by typing constantly, the money's about 4 times better than I get as an office drone, and I get out and about, meeting people and enjoying summer when it comes around.

I'd urge you all to make the most of your time in this mortal coil, not necessarily doing good things like charity work or whatever. Be selfish! Do something which gives you time to do other things, stuff that you actually WANT to be doing.

You can always earn more money, you can never reclaim time.

Whew

2006-07-07T21:46:00.000Z

Christ, thank fuck for that, thank the fucking cunting Lord, in all his shitty arse pissing glory!

I managed to get the text back under control, but I bet none of you readers (lol, as if I have those!) really even cared.

Ohshitohshitohshitohshit!!!

2006-07-07T21:44:00.000Z

HELP ME

I HAVE CURRENTLY LOST CONTROL OF MY TEXT AND AM CRASHING INTO THE PAGE!!!

Everyone loves a good rammy

2006-07-07T08:05:00.000Z

A fight broke out on my train today, MY train!

I have no idea what it started over, but it ended with me pulling one guy away while the conductor threw the other one off. Usually I don't get involved with things like this, but it was just us 4 in the carriage at the time, and I couldn't let the "hector" try to sort it out by himself.

I was secretly wishing for a reward; not having to pay for a ticket maybe, baby?

He walked off to report the incident to the driver, about 10 mins later the train is full and he is walking back down in my direction, inspecting tickets and grinning at me.

He approaches, "Thanks for the help earlier by the way".
"Yeah no problem ma--"
"Got your ticket there?"

I was very nearly Ready 2 Rumble, but I left my afro at home.

What a beezer rash.

2006-07-05T09:14:00.000Z

Well! This is a little belated, but my recent night out at the Duntiglennan was fucking brilliant.

The day started by watching a charity football match at the Antonine Sports Centre, then my friend and I headed to the Dunti for some top grub and some early drinking at about 2pm or so, I think.

Pretty soon the Dunti was filling up, we headed home for some R R before heading back out an hour or so later.

The drinks starting flowing copiously. Among my tasks completed were :-

Combining one of each aftershock, drinking the poison and washing it down with a Corona.

Make-up being applied to my ugly face, turning me into a pretty girl

Obtaining two Triforces from top notch fellas.

It was the first really good night I've ever had in just a pub, hopefully not the last

Her name was Alison

2006-07-05T08:44:00.000Z

Her name was Alison, and she was a Safeway girl who went travelling across the world, leaving me to pick up the pieces of a lost best friend who had decided she didn't want a friendship anymore, for apparently no reason whatsoever.

I worked with her for a year, and we grew close, but I was taken and she was out of my league anyway (was she, though?). Her brother, the big baldy bastard that he is, hated me with some kind of testoserone fuelled, already been done for assault in the past, zeal.

We were joined at the hip, and everyone thought there was something more, there really should have been.

She fell out with me because I couldn't go to her birthday party, I seen her once after that, before she left for Australia. I'm aware this is a rambling smudge of a blog, but it's getting hazy and I don't want to lose it, it has to be written down in at least one place.

She didn't even say goodbye.

Here's to lost chances and broken friendships!

Oblivion + Best Friend = Tears

2006-06-14T12:28:00.000Z

A couple of days ago I went to my best friend's house and took my 360 and games with me, all was well. Last night he phoned me, with the heartstopping words, "Uh, Gerry...is there something wrong with your Oblivion?"On replying that, no, there isn't, he explained to me that it now refuses to load past 1/5th before giving a DDE but that the disc is in mint condition and clean. I don't know what happened, but I am very sad!

Apparently the batch I bought it from was a little on the dodgy side, but my disc was fine until now.

Ah well, it'll have to be Morrowind again, because I'm not forking out another 50 notes, no Sirree Bob.

Everyone loves viruses

2006-06-12T18:46:00.000Z

Decided to go out on Friday, despite feeling a little under the weather, or, to put it another way;

The venue was ABC on Sauchiehall Street, Glasgow, the mood was grim (it was a female friend's birthday, imagine). My back ached the whole night because inconsiderate females wouldn't give up their chairs to the fat(ish) guy!

On Saturday morning my "Ill, sick" feeling turns out to be some kind of actual virus and has floored me for the remainder of this lovely weekend, forcing me to call in sick for work today, boo hoo!

I'm going to buy into the hype that it's bird flu, there were plenty of fit birds at ABC, and also quite a few "sick" ones, lolf!

It's actually quite boring from an outside perspective, but ABC was pretty braw, there was some kind of rampart and turret tower leading up to one of the bars which, after drinking an extra couple of pints, my mate and I would probably have stormed quite successfully.

I got photos on my phone, which are crap, and my mate fancies my other mate, which is hilarious.

This is it, then.

2006-06-09T11:11:00.000Z

My first real foray into the world of "blogging".

Do I have anything interesting to say? Probably not, you'll have to decide on that.

Are I a good righter? I do'nt no, r u?

My specialist subject shall be my own personal life and opinions, yawn! Follow my adventures and escapades, or lack thereof!